Hard Times

We all have some severely hard times in life. It's part of life. What really matters is how you deal with it, what you do to make them not as rough on you.

I am not a fan of Christmas or New Years. Here is a little history::: ***This is from my memory, pieces may not be as written but I was 14, I've made many more memories since then***

Between the years of 1983 *the year I was born if you can't do math ;)* and 1998 my parents, siblings and I would celebrate Christmas in Hayward, California. My Granny lived there. She was an amazing woman. I had LOVED Christmas because we would visit her and her neighbors happened to be my childhood best friend. I haven't seen nor heard from her since 1998. That's another story though. I loved the whole family time, smiling faces, hugs, laughter and a house full of people who loved you. It was so amazing. Christmas morning would go something like this: Us kids *my 4 siblings and I* would be sleeping on the couch/floor in the living room. One of us would always wake up at 3ish in the morning, get excited, wake our siblings up as quietly as youngsters could, grab our stockings, sneak to the bathroom, turn on the light and play with the toys in our stockings. We would then put them back on the hooks and go back to sleep. Next we would smell coffee, and wake to the view of Granny sitting at the table with the newspaper in her hand, smoking a cigarette and drinking her coffee. She would be coughing, but would always have a smile on her face when she saw we were awake. She'd smile and tell us older ones that there was cereal in the cupboard. We would all peak under the tree, but weren't allowed to pick up any gifts or snoop completely. The rules were we could not open any gifts until everyone was here and awake. We would all sit around, talking, playing outside, playing with our stockings... Family would start arriving, my uncle, his family, my great aunt and great uncle... it was so awesome. 9 kids, great bunch of adults. My aunt, however, would be the last awake, take a nice LONG, hot shower. Us kids would be slowly dying! Then, finally, around 11, she would emerge. We would have one kid *me or my older brother usually* play Santa as we called it. We would give people gifts as we pulled them out, trying to make it fair. It would be a lot of laughter, fun, messes... I loved it! It was so much fun, so much love...
      Then came 1998... The summer of 1998 my family relocated to Wyoming. I loved Wyoming. It was so new, so pretty and I had so many friends. I met my now husband that year. He's pretty amazing. Anywho. I was angry at my granny that year. After she fawned over my older brother, attending his 8th grade graduation the previous year, she did not attend my 8th grade graduation. I was so mad at her. I was hurt. I  felt like my older brother was more liked, etc. The 8th grade graduation was in California still, about a month before we relocated. It seriously broke my heart. We moved, got along in our lives, had a great start in Wyoming. It was so fun to have a new start, for things to be different. New friends, new school, new everything. I was still angry at my Granny but was looking forward to Christmas, to go back and for that tradition to remain the same. Then we got the news. Granny was very sick. She had cancer. She didn't want us to live with the pain of her dying, which is why she didn't tell us. I was back to being angry. We visited her as a family. She was hooked up to hoses and had wires coming out of her. Looking back at pictures, I can see that I didn't want to be there, didn't want to see her that way. In the pictures, I was in the back, standing away from her. I was even more angry at her. One last thing she could have done for me and she didn't want to come to my graduation the June before! Yes, I look back now and realize I was selfish but, again, I was 14. My Mom went

 back for her funeral after she passed away January 1, 1999 at like 2AM. I haven't really liked Christmas nor New Years since. It's still rough on me, but I'm trying. I want to be better at this Holiday stuff.

Now I grew up helping take care of my family. My mother suffered *and still does* from depression. We did not have it easy as kids, but we always made it work. I look back now and I don't remember the times Mom was in the hospital due to her depression. I don't remember

the times things seemed impossible. I don't remember a lot of anger *other than at 14* I don't remember the hard times. I remember laughter, I remember times at rivers and lakes, parks and even in our backyards. We certainly didn't have life easy, but we had a lot of good times, happy times, uplifting times. I think, for the most part, the reason I remember those times is because I choose to. I am changing my views on Christmas and New Years, because I choose to. I choose to be happy, to not follow the path that diminishes your value for life.

A lot of people I know either threaten or speak of suicide. I have had friends commit suicide. I have seen depression and stress. I will flat out tell you I don't agree with suicide. There is always help, someone to talk to, somewhere to go. When you commit something as horrible as suicide, you might take your pain away, but you give pain to so many others. I've always tried to help those I know who have hard times, I am easy to talk to, honest, and will tell you, not necessarily what you want to hear, but

 what you may need to hear. I am always willing to help find what you need. You are never alone. You have people who care, people who want... who need you with them. Life is what YOU choose it to be. We all have dark times, we all have rough patches. You can pull through. Prove yourself that you are stronger than you assume. You may have bullies or haters, prove to them that you are so much more than you believe. I had a guidance counselor at school tell me I was nothing, I was going to amount to nothing and that I wouldn't matter to anyone or anything.

You read that right! a GUIDANCE COUNSELOR! at HIGH SCHOOL!!! Guess what. I'm chasing dreams. We may be struggling but we have a roof over our head, a vehicle to take us to work, jobs that are amazing. I love my job. it's proven to me that dreams change. I always thought I was bound to work with elementary school kids, but never thought I'd be working with high school kids. There are so many who have been pushed under the radar, teachers who pass them to get them out of their

class, whether they comprehend what they need to or not. Teachers calling kids stupid, not willing to help, not caring if they succeed in life. I want to help kids prove, not only to themselves but those who tell them otherwise, that they are worthwhile. That they matter!! You matter. Don't ever forget. People DO care, you need to stop focusing on those who don't. There are always going to be people who don't care, who don't matter to your future.

Life is what you make it. You want to be a chef? A nurse? A teacher? DO IT! You'll always have someone backing you. I have your back, I will be your cheerleader. I will be your pillar when you don't think you can stand on your own two feet. When life gets rough, remember, you aren't alone. Pray, Call me, Write it down. Keep your head up. As one little fishy I will always love once said, "Just keep swimming". I will end this long rambly post with this::: May you remember the times where you laughed, where life was carefree, but remember what made you who you are. The rough patches are hard, but it's given you strength. You are worthwhile, you matter and you are loved. Merry Christmas my friends and Family. You will always be enough. And a very happy New Year.

So many changes

We have been through so many changes over the past few months!

We relocated! I have my Dream job! I see Tye every night! 

I have this new piece of my heart to love on! My gorgeous niece is almost 2 months old! And I get to hang out withe my nephew!

I won a prize in a fair for this gorgeous frozen waterfall! I'm so happy!

I get to see my sister any time I want!

And to top it off, I have friends whom I absolutely adore who only live 3 hours away!

Yes, lots of changes. I am a paraprofessional for special needs high school littles! It is such an amazing job. I always wanted to be working with kids, but never thought I'd be working in high school. They have changed my world. I absolutely love it and hope to continue making a difference.  I've been thinking of returning to school, yes, again. I want to be an English teacher or guidance counselor! Pretty ambitious, huh?

I am still doing my photography and love it. It's so pretty here in Arizona. I can't wait to do many more shoots.

I live only a few blocks from my sister and get to see her, my brother, niece and nephew all the time! I absolutely love that I am able to. I enjoy what we share.

Some wonderful friends come up, and we go down, to visit them whenever we can. It's wonderful to have them nearby. They are sweet, adore my kids have have a little boy who also claims I'm his auntie! 

Tye has a job where he is home every night. I have always wanted this. I feel like a normal family! It's been rough to adjust, and we are still catching up with the cost of the move. Yet, I couldn't be happier.

Over all, life is pretty freaking awesome!

Little Things

I'm awful. I keep letting little things get to me. I keep thinking to myself things like, why do I bother? Should I just stop? Am I even appreciated?

I feel like I bust my ass, do my damndest and yet no "thank you"'s. no "Great job Shel!" no "I'm so glad to have you!" Nothing. I hurry through things to get stuff done for people, knowing damn well I could do better if I wasn't hounded to get it done. Wishing for that chance to prove I can be amazing.

I just want to be better I guess. To prove to myself that I'm good at what I do, that I matter to someone... anyone...

Okay, enough of that. I've been doing what I can to relocate: Trying to find houses and jobs in Arizona. I want so bad to move, to be near my sister, to visit with my nephew and that new baby. I love being close to family and am glad I have gotten closer to my sister.

I can only hope my girls have a good relationship with each other as they grow. They are pretty amazing. At the very least, they make me happy. They appreciate me. They need me.

 I am so beyond blessed to have them, and I realize that every day. They are smart, polite, good listeners and love to learn! They are always anxious for a History or Science lesson. I love that in them! They are great at sharing and taking care of each other. Yes, I am beyond blessed. I'm told continuously how wonderful my littles are, and you know what? I agree. I wouldn't trade them for the world.




Well I think this ramble-fest has gone on long enough.
Much loves where they go. I don't mean to come off growly or bitchy, just needed to vent! Y'all have a good night.

Ah an itchling to write some more.

Twice in one week! Oh my Lanta!!

Well, I have some randomness that bugs the living Hell out of me! Why do people worry about what's happening far away or rumors or things we can't help when there are so many issues close to home??!?

Want to feed the hungry? Look in your own neighborhood! There are many who are living as best as they can yet not able to feed themselves properly. They are doing the best with what they have, go without eating so their children can eat, and are too proud to ask for help. I've been there,

Want to prevent war? Start in your own household. Care for your family, your children, your spouse. They (or you) COULD be gone tomorrow. How will you stressing what's going on with people 4,000 miles away help you? It won't. You worry so much, pray.

Why fret over all the crap going on when you have enough crap around you to deal with. We all have problems, things we need to fix, etc. Sometimes we forget that the most important thing in our lives are those we have around us: our children, spouse, friends, etc. You should change your way of thinking. So many people play the "oh poor me" card instead of saying "what could I do to better my child's life?" I guess what bugs me most about this is I have always put myself last. I'm sick, oh well, gotta help kids with homework. I'm missing Tye, Oh well, I have to make these littles a yummy dinner. What if my tummy issues are far more than I'm imagining them to be? Oh well, my daughter is having a nightmare. I might just be THAT different from other people. I might be odd. I might be someone you hate because I am me, or someone you love for that very reason. My children ARE my reason to live, My reason to laugh, My reason to focus on bettering anything that involves them. Those three little girls mean more to me than anything else in the world.

Live it!

I've felt compelled to write for a while, but the words never seem to flow properly to express what I want to say. I decided I'm going to just bypass that and write, who knows, it might just come out the way I want! This post is not to make you feel bad for me or pass words of wisdom or sympathy. On FB I posted that I'm working on bettering myself. So here's a glimpse at me. Something I don't let in often.






I have always viewed myself rather negatively.

1. I hate my inability to lose weight.
2. I hate my profile, I have large cheeks.
3. I hate that I can't eat without hurting, regardless of what it is.
4. I hate that I'm not the perfect Mom for these girls
5. I hate that I'm not the perfect Wife for my husband.
6. I hate that I'm so blunt with no filter at times.

The list can go on for quite some time. Let's focus on some of these aspects I don't like.

#3... Yeah I've gone through a lot of pain after having my Gallbladder removed. For some people, it doesn't affect the way they eat. For others it does. For me, I had tried different things, eating "healthy" for two weeks, eating nothing but ice cream for a while, etc. I have done everything I can think to make it stop, alas I can't. I decided if I'm going to be in pain when I eat, I'll eat what I want. This is a downfall for me. I eat maybe one meal a day, because I don't want to go through that pain. Do I bitch about things? No, not often. I don't like the attention it brings. Should I go to the doctor and see if I could get some medical help? Probably. Will I? No.

That's something about me. I have always placed myself on the back burner. I wouldn't change if I knew better. I guess it started when I was a kid. It's rough to see your mom go through so much pain and all you want is to make her smile, to make her feel better. She gave me my nurturing nature. I always strive to help others, and I think that's a great quality of my own. I don't like spending money on myself. I always think it could go to better things, my husband, my kids, my Mom, a friend, something, but why would I deserve it? I don't. It's who I am, who I've been as long as I can remember. I do my damndest for those I love, whether it's financially, emotionally or just slapping them in the face and telling them to wake up. 

Okay back to my list. #4 and 5. I'm not the perfect Mom/Wife. I know that damn well. I do the best I can, knowing at times I'm failing. But I do know I'm a GOOD mom and wife. I care for my family with everything I have. Do we argue? Yep. Do we have times where we WANT to walk away? Yeah, who hasn't. Through what we'd been through in our past, we know that we can make it through anything together, as a family. I've always cherished family. There had been times where I had been upset with my parents or siblings, but they're part of who I am and I truly don't know where I'd be without them. I'm not close with any of my siblings with the exception of my sister.I want to set a good example but know I fail over and over. I'm trying! I keep getting back on the horse. Failing at something doesn't mean I've lost. I keep getting up and trying again, dusting off, sighing deeply and trying again. I know I'm doing SOMETHING  right: my girls are healthy, happy *I'm listening to them laugh right now. My favorite sound in the whole world.* and are great students. I've always told my girls I'm proud of them. I tell them to do their best. They're great kids and I'm beyond blessed to have them. 

#6:... oh bluntness. Yeah. I've driven a lot of people away with my bluntness. I bite my tongue 75% of the time, so imagine if I were to ALWAYS say what I want! I want so bad to say things like "Are you THAT stupid?" "Why are you focusing on that instead of what really matters?" "Really? just really?" Yeah I know I have faults too, but come on!!

What does matter to me: These three amazing girls. My friends *who really are the family I chose for myself*. My Family in general..... I'm so blessed it's ridiculous to think otherwise. 

I don't focus on me. I focus on those I love. I hurt, I cry, I try, I fail. Continuously. Seriously, Some people don't comprehend what it's like to be me. Is it hard? Sometimes, yes. Constant pain, Constant loneliness *but not as bad as it could be due to my Mom and my girls.* I have it better than most though. I have a job I love. A hobby that makes for amazing memories for me and others. Three incredible, smart, silly, fun children. Great parents who taught me so much growing up, and who are still encouraging me every day. A hard working husband who sacrifices himself so we could live happily and safely. Friends who, even though I don't talk to them often, truly love me and are honest to goodness great friends. I'm not a great friend but you bet your ass I try. I love all these people to pieces and would do anything for them. 

Well yeah, that's on my mind. I'm done boring you with information I really didn't mean to push on you, but hey, whatever. I'm not sorry to be me. I'm working on being a better me.