Hard Times

We all have some severely hard times in life. It's part of life. What really matters is how you deal with it, what you do to make them not as rough on you.

I am not a fan of Christmas or New Years. Here is a little history::: ***This is from my memory, pieces may not be as written but I was 14, I've made many more memories since then***

Between the years of 1983 *the year I was born if you can't do math ;)* and 1998 my parents, siblings and I would celebrate Christmas in Hayward, California. My Granny lived there. She was an amazing woman. I had LOVED Christmas because we would visit her and her neighbors happened to be my childhood best friend. I haven't seen nor heard from her since 1998. That's another story though. I loved the whole family time, smiling faces, hugs, laughter and a house full of people who loved you. It was so amazing. Christmas morning would go something like this: Us kids *my 4 siblings and I* would be sleeping on the couch/floor in the living room. One of us would always wake up at 3ish in the morning, get excited, wake our siblings up as quietly as youngsters could, grab our stockings, sneak to the bathroom, turn on the light and play with the toys in our stockings. We would then put them back on the hooks and go back to sleep. Next we would smell coffee, and wake to the view of Granny sitting at the table with the newspaper in her hand, smoking a cigarette and drinking her coffee. She would be coughing, but would always have a smile on her face when she saw we were awake. She'd smile and tell us older ones that there was cereal in the cupboard. We would all peak under the tree, but weren't allowed to pick up any gifts or snoop completely. The rules were we could not open any gifts until everyone was here and awake. We would all sit around, talking, playing outside, playing with our stockings... Family would start arriving, my uncle, his family, my great aunt and great uncle... it was so awesome. 9 kids, great bunch of adults. My aunt, however, would be the last awake, take a nice LONG, hot shower. Us kids would be slowly dying! Then, finally, around 11, she would emerge. We would have one kid *me or my older brother usually* play Santa as we called it. We would give people gifts as we pulled them out, trying to make it fair. It would be a lot of laughter, fun, messes... I loved it! It was so much fun, so much love...
      Then came 1998... The summer of 1998 my family relocated to Wyoming. I loved Wyoming. It was so new, so pretty and I had so many friends. I met my now husband that year. He's pretty amazing. Anywho. I was angry at my granny that year. After she fawned over my older brother, attending his 8th grade graduation the previous year, she did not attend my 8th grade graduation. I was so mad at her. I was hurt. I  felt like my older brother was more liked, etc. The 8th grade graduation was in California still, about a month before we relocated. It seriously broke my heart. We moved, got along in our lives, had a great start in Wyoming. It was so fun to have a new start, for things to be different. New friends, new school, new everything. I was still angry at my Granny but was looking forward to Christmas, to go back and for that tradition to remain the same. Then we got the news. Granny was very sick. She had cancer. She didn't want us to live with the pain of her dying, which is why she didn't tell us. I was back to being angry. We visited her as a family. She was hooked up to hoses and had wires coming out of her. Looking back at pictures, I can see that I didn't want to be there, didn't want to see her that way. In the pictures, I was in the back, standing away from her. I was even more angry at her. One last thing she could have done for me and she didn't want to come to my graduation the June before! Yes, I look back now and realize I was selfish but, again, I was 14. My Mom went

 back for her funeral after she passed away January 1, 1999 at like 2AM. I haven't really liked Christmas nor New Years since. It's still rough on me, but I'm trying. I want to be better at this Holiday stuff.

Now I grew up helping take care of my family. My mother suffered *and still does* from depression. We did not have it easy as kids, but we always made it work. I look back now and I don't remember the times Mom was in the hospital due to her depression. I don't remember

the times things seemed impossible. I don't remember a lot of anger *other than at 14* I don't remember the hard times. I remember laughter, I remember times at rivers and lakes, parks and even in our backyards. We certainly didn't have life easy, but we had a lot of good times, happy times, uplifting times. I think, for the most part, the reason I remember those times is because I choose to. I am changing my views on Christmas and New Years, because I choose to. I choose to be happy, to not follow the path that diminishes your value for life.

A lot of people I know either threaten or speak of suicide. I have had friends commit suicide. I have seen depression and stress. I will flat out tell you I don't agree with suicide. There is always help, someone to talk to, somewhere to go. When you commit something as horrible as suicide, you might take your pain away, but you give pain to so many others. I've always tried to help those I know who have hard times, I am easy to talk to, honest, and will tell you, not necessarily what you want to hear, but

 what you may need to hear. I am always willing to help find what you need. You are never alone. You have people who care, people who want... who need you with them. Life is what YOU choose it to be. We all have dark times, we all have rough patches. You can pull through. Prove yourself that you are stronger than you assume. You may have bullies or haters, prove to them that you are so much more than you believe. I had a guidance counselor at school tell me I was nothing, I was going to amount to nothing and that I wouldn't matter to anyone or anything.

You read that right! a GUIDANCE COUNSELOR! at HIGH SCHOOL!!! Guess what. I'm chasing dreams. We may be struggling but we have a roof over our head, a vehicle to take us to work, jobs that are amazing. I love my job. it's proven to me that dreams change. I always thought I was bound to work with elementary school kids, but never thought I'd be working with high school kids. There are so many who have been pushed under the radar, teachers who pass them to get them out of their

class, whether they comprehend what they need to or not. Teachers calling kids stupid, not willing to help, not caring if they succeed in life. I want to help kids prove, not only to themselves but those who tell them otherwise, that they are worthwhile. That they matter!! You matter. Don't ever forget. People DO care, you need to stop focusing on those who don't. There are always going to be people who don't care, who don't matter to your future.

Life is what you make it. You want to be a chef? A nurse? A teacher? DO IT! You'll always have someone backing you. I have your back, I will be your cheerleader. I will be your pillar when you don't think you can stand on your own two feet. When life gets rough, remember, you aren't alone. Pray, Call me, Write it down. Keep your head up. As one little fishy I will always love once said, "Just keep swimming". I will end this long rambly post with this::: May you remember the times where you laughed, where life was carefree, but remember what made you who you are. The rough patches are hard, but it's given you strength. You are worthwhile, you matter and you are loved. Merry Christmas my friends and Family. You will always be enough. And a very happy New Year.