Live it!

I've felt compelled to write for a while, but the words never seem to flow properly to express what I want to say. I decided I'm going to just bypass that and write, who knows, it might just come out the way I want! This post is not to make you feel bad for me or pass words of wisdom or sympathy. On FB I posted that I'm working on bettering myself. So here's a glimpse at me. Something I don't let in often.






I have always viewed myself rather negatively.

1. I hate my inability to lose weight.
2. I hate my profile, I have large cheeks.
3. I hate that I can't eat without hurting, regardless of what it is.
4. I hate that I'm not the perfect Mom for these girls
5. I hate that I'm not the perfect Wife for my husband.
6. I hate that I'm so blunt with no filter at times.

The list can go on for quite some time. Let's focus on some of these aspects I don't like.

#3... Yeah I've gone through a lot of pain after having my Gallbladder removed. For some people, it doesn't affect the way they eat. For others it does. For me, I had tried different things, eating "healthy" for two weeks, eating nothing but ice cream for a while, etc. I have done everything I can think to make it stop, alas I can't. I decided if I'm going to be in pain when I eat, I'll eat what I want. This is a downfall for me. I eat maybe one meal a day, because I don't want to go through that pain. Do I bitch about things? No, not often. I don't like the attention it brings. Should I go to the doctor and see if I could get some medical help? Probably. Will I? No.

That's something about me. I have always placed myself on the back burner. I wouldn't change if I knew better. I guess it started when I was a kid. It's rough to see your mom go through so much pain and all you want is to make her smile, to make her feel better. She gave me my nurturing nature. I always strive to help others, and I think that's a great quality of my own. I don't like spending money on myself. I always think it could go to better things, my husband, my kids, my Mom, a friend, something, but why would I deserve it? I don't. It's who I am, who I've been as long as I can remember. I do my damndest for those I love, whether it's financially, emotionally or just slapping them in the face and telling them to wake up. 

Okay back to my list. #4 and 5. I'm not the perfect Mom/Wife. I know that damn well. I do the best I can, knowing at times I'm failing. But I do know I'm a GOOD mom and wife. I care for my family with everything I have. Do we argue? Yep. Do we have times where we WANT to walk away? Yeah, who hasn't. Through what we'd been through in our past, we know that we can make it through anything together, as a family. I've always cherished family. There had been times where I had been upset with my parents or siblings, but they're part of who I am and I truly don't know where I'd be without them. I'm not close with any of my siblings with the exception of my sister.I want to set a good example but know I fail over and over. I'm trying! I keep getting back on the horse. Failing at something doesn't mean I've lost. I keep getting up and trying again, dusting off, sighing deeply and trying again. I know I'm doing SOMETHING  right: my girls are healthy, happy *I'm listening to them laugh right now. My favorite sound in the whole world.* and are great students. I've always told my girls I'm proud of them. I tell them to do their best. They're great kids and I'm beyond blessed to have them. 

#6:... oh bluntness. Yeah. I've driven a lot of people away with my bluntness. I bite my tongue 75% of the time, so imagine if I were to ALWAYS say what I want! I want so bad to say things like "Are you THAT stupid?" "Why are you focusing on that instead of what really matters?" "Really? just really?" Yeah I know I have faults too, but come on!!

What does matter to me: These three amazing girls. My friends *who really are the family I chose for myself*. My Family in general..... I'm so blessed it's ridiculous to think otherwise. 

I don't focus on me. I focus on those I love. I hurt, I cry, I try, I fail. Continuously. Seriously, Some people don't comprehend what it's like to be me. Is it hard? Sometimes, yes. Constant pain, Constant loneliness *but not as bad as it could be due to my Mom and my girls.* I have it better than most though. I have a job I love. A hobby that makes for amazing memories for me and others. Three incredible, smart, silly, fun children. Great parents who taught me so much growing up, and who are still encouraging me every day. A hard working husband who sacrifices himself so we could live happily and safely. Friends who, even though I don't talk to them often, truly love me and are honest to goodness great friends. I'm not a great friend but you bet your ass I try. I love all these people to pieces and would do anything for them. 

Well yeah, that's on my mind. I'm done boring you with information I really didn't mean to push on you, but hey, whatever. I'm not sorry to be me. I'm working on being a better me.